When talking to my mom the other day on Skype, she asked me how my trip of a lifetime was going. The interesting part was that she wasn’t asking about traveling around the world. She was asking about Australia - a place that has struck my fancy since I can remember. I made it here; I made it happen. I left Ukraine and am now basking in the perfectly blue skies of Sydney, but it wasn’t an easy task. Let me tell you something about Ukraine - it doesn’t give up without a fight.

I think every attempt I ever made to get out of that place, even just for a quick trip, was made a little more difficult in some way or another. After applying for visa sponsorship and buying my plane ticket to Australia, I was bombarded with the question asking if I had spent more than 3 consecutive months outside my home country, and, if so, to list those countries.

That’s where I started to get a little nervous. I began listing countries like Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan, and Ukraine in my response. Was it going to be a problem getting a visa now?!

Apparently, the countries I had spent the majority of the previous year living in are considered quite dodgy. Actually, they are considered so dodgy that they weren’t even on the list of dodgy countries to begin with! It just said: “If the country is not listed here, then it is considered Very High Risk.”

D’oh! So, of course I was given yet another difficult task to complete: obtaining a chest x-ray… in Ukraine… by the one certified doctor they would accept the x-ray from. Oi!

Luckily, I was able to get an appointment right away, but I had to frantically search all the money changers in my vicinity to find US dollars to pay for the appointment with. Why, if it is so difficult to find US dollars in Kiev these days, does the place ONLY accept US dollars as payment?!

After that, I had to find my way to the Oil Refinery Hospital on the other side of town in a place where the Metro didn’t run.

Then, I had to deal with the x-ray process in itself, a process I will not soon forget. Picture a typical Soviet style hospital - stark feeling with a bad paint job of the most unappealing colors. The hallway was the waiting room, and it was packed full of Ukrainians waiting for their own exams to take place.

When I was called into the dark x-ray room, I was taken to a section with a metal screen. The woman in there motioned for me to take my sweater off. I hadn’t really thought about the needing to undress for this. After that, she motioned for me to take my undershirt off. As I stood there in my bra, she proceeded to twirl me around until I was facing a large mechanical screen on the wall. She stroked my hair in her hands, eventually tying it up in a ponytail.

“Well this isn’t so bad,” I thought.

Just then she yanked my bra straps down, so suddenly I gasped in shock. I was somehow given a protective shield to hold behind my back while my chest was pressed directly up against the cold screen. My chin rested on top where the smell of saliva and sweat lingered from all the people who did the same just minutes before. “Just great,” I thought. “If I wasn’t sick before, I probably will be now.”

I was told to fill my lungs with air just before the lady ran out of the room. Some lights flashed and then it was over. I put my clothes back on and went into another room to see what the doctor had to say. When she finally arrived with my x-ray, she looked at it for about 30 seconds and then spurted out, “You’re fine. Bye!” in a stern tone.

What was I fine from exactly? I still don’t know. I got over another hurdle and became one step closer to where I am now. Big Sigh Of Relief!

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Once you explain the meaning of the word “bribe” to a Ukrainian person their look of misunderstanding quickly changes to the “oh-yeah-i-know-that-because-it’s-normal” look. Bribes are everywhere in Ukrainian life. These actions are so blatant that what we might know as “money under the table” is actually just “money set on top of the table in an envelope”.

One of the first weekends in Ukraine, we ventured down to an expat type bar where we spoke with many businessmen from the U.S., U.K., and Canada. They all talked about how difficult and frustrating it is to get the simplest task completed, like the signing of a form, without the use of a bribe. How is a company supposed to deal with adding the costs of bribes to their books? Very interesting.

Since bribes are so common in Ukrainian life, my time wouldn’t have been complete in Kiev without having to pay at least one. It was interesting because a week before the possible incident my students asked me if I had yet paid a bribe. I responded that I hadn’t, but that I had definitely thought about offering it before in certain situations, such as getting the internet hooked up in a timely manner.

If you don’t follow along the comments of the blog too closely, you might not know that I am no longer in Ukraine. Surprise! Interestingly enough, my mom sent me a package a few weeks before I had to leave with some important documents and such. Even though it arrived in Ukraine on Feb 9, it sat there… and sat there… until finally last week I got very nervous. I contacted a teacher’s service worker at the school and she was able to find out that my package was sitting in Customs. She went as far as to visit Customs only to find out that she had to fill out a stack of forms and come back the next day. Apparently I was going to have to pay some sort of tax on the package since it was claimed as being work $140. That, in fact, is a huge LIE. My guess is this:

The Ukrainian Customs people saw that a package was sent through Priority Mail from America. It was obviously a bit more imiportant to the end recipient than sending standard mail. However, it was not sent DHL, which from what I read online actually pays bribes to the Customs officers in order to get their package to arrive on time. Since it was probably an important package, Customs figured they could get a bribe from the recipient in order to receive it immediately.

Basically, it was looking to be a huge hassle and I was worried I wouldn’t receive my package before I had to leave on Friday. I actually told the teacher services worker that I would be willing to pay a bribe just to be done with it.

She went back the next day with all the paperwork, which literally took 30 seconds for the officer to look at before handing over the package. What?! Really?! No taxes to pay either?

Come on, Ukraine. You’ve got to be kidding me. No, I didn’t actually pay a bribe. Sorry if you thought I did - suckers - uh… I mean thanks for reading!

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“Most Americans aren’t in good physical condition because they don’t exercise enough.”

“No matter how unhealthy it maybe be, Americans love fast food.”

“Who do you think is healthier: Americans or Ukrainians?”

If you haven’t guessed it already, this is material I have to teach. At first I laughed a bit. Now, I find myself getting angry. The amount of America-bashing this country does gets really frustrating, especially when my classes answer the question of who is healthier.

Of course the entire world classifies the U.S. as a group of overweight and lazy pigs, and sure, there are plenty of those back home, but come on - do not try and tell me you are a healthier country when you’re munching on potatoes and fatty meat and kicking it back with beer or vodka! And, please, don’t get me started on salo!

The other day, a student asked me in English, “Brooke, do you eat lard?”

Lard? I responded by saying, “Do you mean to ask if I eat salo?”

Yes! Salo is what he meant, and it is a word commonly translated into English as lard. Remember that little party we had where we tasted salo and was told repeatedly how HEALTHY it is? Are you laughing a little now?

Not only this, but we have plenty of conversations about McDonald’s and fast food. I’ll admit it - I love McDonald’s. I love the greasy, salty combination of a double cheeseburger and fries washed back with a Coke Light. The funny thing here is that all my students will say how unhealthy and disgusting McD’s is, but when I ask them how often they eat there they often respond with a “once a week.” And this brings me to my next point: They freaking love McD’s over here!

I finally decided to break my McD’s ban (it had been over 4 months since the last) and experience it Ukrainian style. Actually, I quite think McD’s in other countries is just as much a cultural experience as sightseeing. For example, the style, class, and menu of such establishments has to change slightly in order to do well in other cultures. By seeing how this establishment alters itself in different circumstances is really interesting to me!

So, I went to McD’s, and in typical Ukrainian fashion, I had to wait in line. I had to wait in line because the place was so busy! I don’t think I really need to say more.

Again, I’d like to touch on the fat American stereotype again. It is true that we have some pudge in our waistline. It seems that when I look at photos from back home and people my age, they do seem to have a little more meat on their bones than the youngsters around these parts. However, the girls, and guys, here are impeccably thin - almost to a level where I wonder how much they actually eat. Then, I also find it interesting that the older women are the exact opposite! You never see a thin babushka out on the street. What happens?

I guess I’m just venting a little bit because I constantly have to bite my tongue in class. Actually, I do not mind that America is known as the fat country of the world. What I do mind, however, is having to push the stereotype even further. A country full of people using mayonnaise as salad dressing and eating lard is no healthier (no matter how they look physically) than one pulling up to the drive-thru window everyday. If there is one thing I have learned during my time in Ukraine it is this: Ukraine is really just like America in the health aspect because we both have people on all sides of the spectrum.

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As much as I love using my big camera to take photos, I just don’t do it enough. There’s something about the hassle of taking it around with me, or the fact that people stare at me sometimes when I’m using it, that makes it not so popular. This is why the party cam (pocket point and shoot) became such a huge part of my life this past year. It helped me be a bit more inconspicuous. However, the party cam bit the bullet after New Year’s, so all I’m left with is the big one. But, it’s not a bad thing. I’m glad I’ve been using it more often as the quality of photo it takes is just so much better! I’ve finally updated the Ukraine gallery and added some pics from the Odessa trip. Enjoy!

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Every year for the past few, I have taken part in scoring standardized tests for Illinois schools. This is a temporary (usually only a month long) job, but it helps me save a few extra bucks. I recently got another offer for this April, which I was ecstatic about… until I read the fine print.

This year, the company wants me to resend a document to them, and the problem with this task is that they want it notarized. In America, this would pose no problem, but in Ukraine? Where’s a girl supposed to get a document notarized here and have an American company trust that it is in fact real?

At the American Embassy, that’s where!

For some reason, I had myself fooled into thinking this little expedition into downtown would only take 1.5 hours. I’m not sure where I got that number, but I definitely spent that long just in transit. Getting things done here always takes a long time!

As I neared the street of the American Embassy, I started to hear faint shouting noises. These grew into a much clearer megaphoned voice with other voices cheering from time to time the closer I got. “Oh, please, oh please, oh please don’t be outside the embassy,” I hoped, but of course this little gathering was exactly outside the embassy where I was wanting to go. I have no idea what these people were saying overall, but words in reference to Cuba, America, and Puerto Rico were tossed about. A bunch of flags were on display, some for Puerto Rico, and some signs for Barack Obama. It didn’t seem like it was a negative street display, but hey, I don’t mess around with crowds of people armed with megaphones.

I sneakily snuck my way to the guard booth for the embassy with passport on display only to find out that I wanted citizen services, which would actually be at the American Consulate a few blocks away.

So, my trip took longer because I had to trudge through the Kyiv streets to find the Consulate, and I knew I had arrived when I saw the huge line of Ukrainian people hanging around outside. I wandered up to the door area where I was immediately confronted by a Ukrainian guard asking to see my passport. Luckily, I passed the test and was allowed inside to the bag check/body scan area. This is where things started to get interesting.

The two Ukrainian guards asked me to empty my pockets, turn off my cell phone, and give them my purse. They ran my purse through a scanner and quickly started finding things I had forgotten in my bag.

“Is this a flash drive?” they asked.

Yes, I had forgotten that thing had been thrown into the abyss that is my purse many months ago. I had to scour to find it. They then ran the bag through again and found something else.

“Ok, it looks like you have a little flashlight and some batteries here.”

I ended up taking everything out of my bag looking for it until I realized it was probably in the tiny little zipper pouch on the outside. Yes, there was my mini-flashlight.

“Ok, now what about these little things that look like batteries in the scan?” they asked.

I think my heart stopped. Every curse word I could think of ran through my mind as I realized what those little battery looking objects in my bag were. Really? Did I seriously leave those things in my bag for the past 4 months and not remember?! I even think now that I flew to Ukraine with those in my carry on luggage! S^*#! F@#K!!!!

I swallowed hard and pulled out the battery-looking objects from the small zipper pouch of my bag. And, just what were these objects you might ask? If you refer back to about 4 months ago, I was probably in Vilnius, Lithuania. And, what did I do in Vilnius, Lithuania? Oh yeah, I shot hardcore, badass guns. So, what did I have in my bag? Yes, the bullet shells to these hardcore, badass guns that I kept as a souvenir. Bullet shells… at the American Consulate! Oi!

“No, no, no, you can’t have those here,” one of the guards said as he picked up a phone and started dialing a number. I wondered who he was calling. I tried to sputter out whatever words I could to explain myself as I held these things in my hand. Finally the other guard said the word I was looking for - souvenir.

“Yes, a souvenir!” I managed to speak. “I don’t need them. Please just throw them away.”

The guard proceeded to deny my request and tell me that I had to leave this building and put them somewhere else. Eventually, he said there was a storage locker next door that I could leave my bag at if I wanted to. He went outside to get a lady to help me, but I’m pretty sure he was telling people what I had brought with me since they sporadically shot me shocked looks. After a few more minutes of awkwardness, I managed to lock up my bag and go back into the booth where I’m sure the guard gave me a few extra courtesy scans this time for good measure. Fortunately, this time I was let inside.

In the end, I was successful in getting my document notarized and sent away to America. It was yet another simple task made long and interesting here in Ukraine. I still can’t believe I did that, and I definitely laughed to myself the entire way home because I did.

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Pinch me!

Confusion was the overwhelming sensation of the past weekend when some other teachers and I made a quick girls-only trip to the southern seaside city of Odessa. We all basically endured a 9-hour sleepless train ride to get there, but that didn’t matter once we arrived because the brightness of the sunshine perked us all up like a double shot of espresso. Actually, I spent a large part of that day in tears, and not because I was sad. I just hadn’t seen that much sun in quite some time!

My job was to find the hostel, so, being the strong navigator that I am, I got us there fairly quickly, even after we found ourselves stopping numerous times just to question whether we were actually still in Ukraine or not. At first glance, one can seriously picture downtown Odessa as part of any other city in Europe!

Upon arrival at the hostel, we were greeted by the wonderful owner. “Yes, come in girls,” he said. “Take off your clothes.”

Uhm… Questioning looks were shot between Tanya and I as we tried to figure out just what we got ourselves into. The owner immediately realized what he said and blamed it on him being Polish, which I later found out to be true even though his British accent definitely made me suspicious for many hours to come.

The girls and I dropped off our stuff and headed out to the city. Oh, what an amazing city it was! Here are some of the reasons Odessa was so cool:

1) We ate an ecclectic mix of food including something Mexican inspired, Georgian, and Italian. It’s definitely hard to realize you’re in Ukraine when you find yourself eating nachos and drinking beer while the sun is brightly shining and Nelly is on the radio!

2) We basked in the sun at the Black Sea. Industrial port city? What?! The beach we found had the most perfect blue water, and seagulls like you wouldn’t imagine!

3) We bonded with wildlife, such as lions, horses, and birds. Yes, Lauren even found out its possible to see women riding horses at 2 am in this city. Is Odessa sounding more and more like a fairy tale to you, too?!

4) We hit up the markets around town, browsing like a group of girls in a shopping mall. I was even able to feed my ring addiction there.

Overall, we felt that when we walked around in Odessa, we were a part of it. There’s a certain distance one receives when trying to get to know a large place like Kyiv, so the atmosphere of Odessa was much welcomed by all four of us. It’s hard to tell if our impressions of the city are valid or not since we only spent a very, very short time there, but I think I’m going to sum it up by saying this: Odessa is in Ukraine, but we still felt it necessary to question this fact many, many times.

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Ever get so frustrated with something not going your way that you just kind of crack like an egg, spill all over the place, and then lack the substance to sweep yourself up? After a while, the mess starts to smell a bit like uhm… rotten eggs, and eventually it gets so bad that you just can’t even look at the problem, let alone think about it. We’ve all felt this way about something at one time or another, right?

If you’re wondering why I’m talking about rotten eggs then take a look at the right side of my blog. This is where you will notice a lovely little poll that many of you so wonderfully participated in (the one about where Brooke should take her break). Yep, you guessed it! You have found my rotten eggs!

When I first got to Kyiv, I felt excited. With the job came extended holiday breaks that we all would be able to travel on. I built up high hopes of what amazing adventures I would pursue in other foreign lands nearby, but alas, you might notice that I haven’t gone anywhere since my quick jaunt to Hungary. What happened?

The list of reasons for my stagnation roll on, and to delve into that list might involve badmouthing certain institutions and people I might be in contact with, so I think it best to just say simply that plans fell through, repeatedly. Finally, after dealing with so many failed attempts to get somewhere, I just decided to call it quits and take what little money I had made and try again at a later date when I’ve had time to “recover“.

Hopefully enough time has passed because I definitely went downtown to buy train tickets today. This Thursday night, immediately after class, I’m running to the station with Tanya for a really quick adventure in Odessa. Hopefully everything works out this time, because, honestly, who likes rotten eggs?!

NOT ME!

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My nickname around this part of the world has become Artsy McCrafterson. I have a knack for making something from nothing, and I LOVE doing it. This is nothing new for me, but for Tanya… well, she seems amazed at all my little creations. She actually said I should start a crafting portfolio from just around our apartment. Interesting idea, eh?

Anyways, some of my creations have involved the following:

1. Making a Christmas tree from a house plant and doing it up right with gummy bears on a string for that extra burst of color it needed.

2. Making party decorations out of old colored papers we both had.

3. Making birthday party hats and a sceptor out of The Economist and old newspapers.

My mind constantly radiates creative ideas (hopefully that’s not a Chernobyl-related thing now), and if I don’t put those good ideas to use, I start to go a little crazy. This might be why I love playing around with my websites so much. I love colors, creating, and design, so this is where my next goal comes to play: start something you can continue to be creative with.

Over the past couple of years, I have been playing around with different web-based business ideas that I can really focus on and grow with. During this time, I have realized how much I really love building websites/blogs, so I think I finally figured out that a great idea to appease my creative mind and build a business is brought to you in the following form: Free Custom Wordpress!

Yes, I will set up your Wordpress blog, and you won’t have to lift a finger! I know, I know, a Wordpress blog setup can be done for free, but what if you don’t have the time or know-how?! I’ll do it for you in a snap with that little extra bit of love that you won’t get anywhere else I’ll even help you customize your template to fit your blogging needs. All I ask is that you buy your hosting through my partner, GoDaddy.com (who I’ve been using for years now!), and we’ll be square.

Sound cool?

I’ve done this before for a few people, as you can tell from the website, and I really enjoyed the process. I am also constantly giving little tips and whatnot to other readers who send me emails. I’m sure they can attest to my abilities, right? Really, I want to take this seriously because it will 1) allow me to be creative, 2) force me to learn more about it all, and 3) help me get a little extra cash now and then. And as for you, you receive your own blog at your own domain with no fuss! Nice.

Thanks again, everyone, for reading, and I hope you can help me spread the word. We’ll see how this goes!

Yours,

Artsy McCrafterson

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I believe I told you all a while ago that I would be sharing more information about my working life here in Ukraine, so I have finally decided to make a post dedicated to doing just that.

For starters, my job is really not difficult. The Ukrainian teachers here focus on the grammar, while the American teachers focus on repeating these lessons and making them speak while using the target language. As easy as this may sound, I am still beat by the end of the night. It takes a lot of energy to focus, correct, explain, and be as animated as possible in front of a class for hours. Really, I’ve got to give a big round of applause to elementary school teachers now that I know the difficulties surrounding such presentation.

Since most of the students are university students and working professionals, we teach in the evenings. I actually don’t mind this schedule whatsoever as I kind of enjoy being a night owl, and I enjoy not having to go directly to work as soon as I wake up. At this point, it seems a bit difficult to ever picture myself in a normal 9-5 job lifestyle again.

In class, I have developed a teaching style where I try to have as much fun as possible, while being strict about the lesson at the same time. Yes, it is possible, and they do like it Basically, I figure these people are here on their own volition and to do one thing: learn English. I know most of them don’t have a lot of money, and a lot of them have even lost their jobs recently, so I want them to get the most bang-for-their-buck. The other day I actually had a few students in a higher level ask me why I was not their teacher this semester. They continued by saying that they liked their new teacher, but they thought I was stricter and they need that. Ha, imagine that!

Overall, I love my students. I think they are all very bright and interesting people. Here are some of my students from last level:

I wasn’t really sure what to do when we got these pictures taken, so I basically stood there with my hands in my pockets and whatnot. I later found out that other teachers were doing group shots with their arms around each other and looking all buddy-buddy. Even if these pictures don’t show it, I really do love my students!

And, that’s about it on that one. I don’t work on Fridays or Saturdays, so it is my weekend now, and I’d really enjoy focusing more on that right now!

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The world is in a huge crisis right now. This is true. I can’t even put a number on the times I hear “economic crisis” in class, or the number of times I hear my mom talk about someone losing their job back home. It’s really hard to gauge how bad it actually is when I’m out country-hopping and dealing with foreign currencies that change every week.

Now, however, I’ve been settled for a while, and the crisis is becoming more and more real to me. I’m not sure what to think, do, plan… All I know is that I’m making way less money here in Ukraine than I thought I was going to be, and it is really frustrating. Right now, the dollar amount would be less than people make working at Taco Bell. If you factor in any hours spent prepping classes you are… well… not near minimum wage. And, if you get technical and factor in that you lose money during an exchange situation then your dollars are even fewer.

To sum it up, I would kill to be making Taco Bell wages right now! Heck, I would kill to just be eating Taco Bell right now! Apparently, Ukraine doesn’t understand that spice makes food tasty. Yeah, that’s right. You’ll find me in the kitchen eating “chili sauce” on bread just to have something that somewhat tickles my tongue in my mouth.

The value of the dollar is becoming more and more precious to me. The other day, a very kind reader donated $10 to me through PayPal and I was seriously floored. It made my day! Donations or beers bought don’t happen very often, and this time it just seemed more special because that was really X-hours of teaching English!

There are various ways I try to monetize my website in order to supplement my income, but most are unsuccessful (P.S. I’m forever banned from Google Adsense - oops!). Maybe one day I’ll get it down like Nerdy Nomad and become a true working nomad. A girl can still dream, right?!

Until then, I’ll be scouring Ukraine for a Taco Bell I can apply (eat) at!

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